This is a letter I wrote a while back after an experience with a paramedic on an ambulance ride that was less than helpful. Her intentions were good, but it had a very negative affect on me. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident. This has happened multiple times, often from well meaning individuals that are simply ignorant about disabilities and how much they vary in intensity and how they affect each person differently. Here is the letter I wrote; these are words I wish I could have said to her, and everyone else who has tried to “help” in a similar way.

. . . . .

Dear Paramedic,

I know this wasn’t your intention, but your words caused damage. You told me about your boyfriend, who is also a wheelchair user, and I smiled because I thought that meant you understood. But then you found out that I don’t currently have a job. I know you were trying to be helpful when you said I shouldn’t let my disability define me and that I can always find a job somewhere, but those words were the opposite of helpful.

As a disabled individual, I know that not all disabilities are alike. Some of us take medications, some of us use mobility aids, some of us have had a lot of good days recently, some of us have been experiencing constant flares, and some of us–a lot of us–don’t look sick, most of the time. When you compared my disability to your boyfriend’s disability, you weren’t understanding that disabilities vary greatly in how they affect our bodies and our lives.

When you said the things you did, I felt like a burden. I felt like I should “just try harder,” as if I’m not already giving it everything I’ve got. I felt unseen. It’s tough to be disabled. We’re often misunderstood because people compare us to others who are more able bodied and think we should be the same. But we’re not all the same. No one is in the same place in life as anyone else and there are countless battles disabled individuals fight everyday that we don’t tell anyone about. So please remember next time, before you pass judgment on another disabled person, that we’re all in different situations fighting different battles and even though we may look like we should be doing “more,” I can assure you, we’re doing everything we can to survive. And sometimes merely surviving is a full time job.